Cheating spouses

[genkaku]

All best wishes for
a peaceful outcome.

[mprice]

Thanks Carol and genkaku and everybody else for giving some good advice throughout this tough time for me. Well today is the day that I will know what she has decided. Also she has said some things to me that I honestly want to believe but at the same time its hard to believe whether she is telling me the truth, I guess tonight i will know if what see said was the truth or if it was just smoke.

[christopher:::]

Hope things work out for you guys. If you do manage to stay together these hard times can make you stronger, but its often a very long term process. Its not like suddenly she says this, he says that and all is forgiven, the problem "fixed." There can be a quick clear outcome when a decision is made to end a relationship, but even then its rarely a clean easy ending, especially when children are involved. This situations are REALLY really hard, grieving is natural, feelings come up again and again, usually. Hope you are getting lots of support over there.

[Sparkle]

I've been hanging back replying to your post as I went through something similar 3 years ago when my (now ex) wife was caught cheating. All I got was lies, lies, lies and it all ended up quite nasty. I am married again now and in a far better place than I could have imagined was possible when all the trouble was going on. With the pasiing of time I can now say I am glad it happened as I really didn't realise how - not good things were for so long.

Think what I am trying to say is that although it can seem like the end of the world, it can actually be the opposite.

Wishing you well whatever the outcome.

Stu.

[Nakedtree]

If it was me, I would move on. How can you trust her after that? I know we are a culture of giving second chances but personally it would be one and done..

[thermionic]

i was a bad boy in my past and sitting with myself eventually give me the courage to take steps to admitting my mistakes. i couldn't live with my own lies any longer and day after day i felt like more of a fake. i took off my armour and stabbed myself in the chest basically.
i'll say it was a good thing for our marriage to get it out. Rough but good. i came to the conclusion that what i was lacking in our marriage was intimacy. Sex is sex, and it's not always intimate.
My wife actually accepted this whole can of worms pretty well, all things considered. We are different people now. She was hurt, but thankfully she saw some changes in me (discovering Siddartha et al) BEFORE i came clean and she could see that i was indeed changing and wanted, genuinely, to be a better person.

Every day i make her a cup of coffee as a token of my admittance. When i am away i find pictures of coffee on websites and send those.
Just to say "i f**ked up, yes i did."

Sorry to hijack, i hope it doesn't cut too close to the bone, and i hope you can find peace through the fog of it all.

[mprice]

Actually things are still going back and forth between us so I still don't know what is going on. Then Saturday night I got so stinking drunk I did things that I would normally not do, which is my fault for drinking anyway, maybe this is what i needed to abstain from alchohol. Sunday I ended up going to the E.R. because I was getting dizzy and wife decided to tell them I need some psych help which at first I was bothered by but based on my actions in the past month or so I really need right now. So ended up staying overnight at a behavorial center till this morning when I cam home, the good news that I finally have some individual counseling for myself and maybe I can get on some medication that will help me with this very depressive state I have put myself in. The weird part is the counselors keep telling fix yourself quit worrying about what she is doing, which is what you guys keep saying, but at the same time its hard to do, especially now that I found out she has cancer again.. I did ask her if she would go to counseling for herrself individually to try to deal with some of the personal issues she is having and without me being there I think it will be easier to open up to her. I told her I would like to see her go but if she didn't want to then that is her perogative. Whether or not she goes is another story. I still appreciate all the help through this and especially helps to see other people have screwed up and things still worked out for the better.

[Dan74]

Of course it's hard. These kinds of situations are the hardest trials of life. And you can't reason your way out of them. But you can take little positive steps. Like get up early. Exercise. Eat well. Do things that you enjoy, that tend to relax you. Meditation at this time maybe hard but other practices can help like prostrations and chanting. Listening to relaxing music. Fresh air. Talking to friends who support you. Visit your parents. Do something for those less fortunate than yourself (who??).

Basically simple things that make the day more positive and productive.

Good luck!!! (There are many here who include you in their prayers and wish you all the best!)

_/|\_

[christopher:::]

Good suggestions from Dan. Definitely sounds like you've hit a pretty rough patch there. You're fortunate that you have people now to work with, who want to help you. Of course you're concerned for her as well... I think the reason everyone says "focus on yourself" first is you can see how hard THAT is... If we each take care of ourselves it means a lot.

Finding stability within yourself, getting grounded, is going to be challenging enough. If you are able to do that, it then becomes easier to assist her, if she accepts your help. But if you're not grounded yourself then it can be like two row boats being tossed about in a raging river, heading for the waterfall...

The people offering you help now, family and friends, these are who you should turn to, imo. Let them help to pull you out of these strong currents.

[thermionic]

i look at conflict like this: suppose i blame myself for everything - not EXACTLY blame, but close enough to it. Suppose i admit that there is always something i could be doing better - it's so much easier to be gentle with yourself than blaming others. Because you know you really can't BLAME yourself for everything, you take it easy on yourself. When you get used to taking it easy on yourself, you get into the rhythm of just taking it easy generally, and you find you have more energy and patience to help with a problem.

Everything is my fault... i laugh and say, no it isn't! Then i try to fix what i can and let go the things i can't. Letting go is hard, it's hard to stare ego in the face and say 'sorry, can't help you with this one, you're on your own.'

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.

[Annapurna]

Dear MPrice,

first of all my sympathy and compassion for you.

Been there too. Perhaps my experience of the last 10 years can help you.

My now Ex and I were together for 10 years. I broke up with him after he confessed he had cheated on me and fallen in love with another at work in another town, while we were apart during the week.

After 2 months he called me and let me know he had doubts about her. After another 2 months he was deeply unhappy with her and wanted to come back to me. So count on long backs and forths...

So I forgave him....but things never were quite the same again. A lingering mistrust dwelt in my heart ever since. I thought of him as "unreliable". He was susceptible to straw fires, and who knows, perhaps I was one too?

Anyhow, I see the potential for this type of straw fires in your wife as well. After 2 weeks she is madly in love, and she can't make up her min... of course not...

This back and forth is natural in ambivalent situations, -with a choice to make!

You say that she has cancer again, and naturally she feels confronted with death.

Some people react by trying to enjoy life to the max now, and do very silly things, including cheating. It could also be a form of cry for help, because you admit yourself you have been an emotional disappointment for her before and had to go to anger management....all this could backfire now.

Yes, you even said she is holding on to the past.

She may die from cancer.

All you can do was shared before:

Stay healthy, be good to yourself, eat well, sleep enough, relax a lot, don't force yourself to do unpleasant things, distract yourself a bit, watch funny movies, you already have enough pain. .

Don't think of her as your property.

And inspite of all the dear memories, love, attachment and need you feel for her, keep in mind...

She too will pass. Like you. Sooner or later....

Even if your marriage would work out, one day you will have to let go of her through death, if you live longer.

All this fussing now, my dear friend, is dress rehearsals for letting it all go, one day.

I personally found Buddhism a great help during my own phase of living with a broken heart...

It may sound conceited what I'll say now, but I can look back without shame.

I did my best. I never cheated on him. I wasn't bitchy and loud.

I feel clean.

If you can remain controlled and disciplined, this suffering can catapult you into tremendous spiritual growth.

Try to let go of alcohol, it will make you heedless and cause her to despise or pity you. Which won't exactly inspire her to return to YOU.

Best wishes to you.

And if you want to, let us know more about her cancer.

With lots of metta,

Annapurna

[mprice]

I believe she has cervical cancer but I could be wrong on that aspect. She goes in Tuesday for surgery to remove it and I am hoping for the best outcome. My hope is once that part of the whole situation is gone we can concentrate on everything else going on. I really do appreciate all insight and help that everybody has provided, that is one thing I feel iike I am lacking right now is just somebody to listen to what I have to say, at least when I am on here I feel iike somebody is listening to me. At least when my mother was alive I had somebody to talk to help me deal with problems that would come up, it was like having a best friend that wouldn't judge you for what you did but still give you great advice.

[genkaku]

I feel iike I am lacking right now is just somebody to listen to what I have to say

You deserve to have someone listen to you and to be impartial. For this reason, I wonder again if some sort of counseling wouldn't be useful. Internet sympathy can be very nice, but it can hardly get at the nitty-gritty stuff that lurks.

[mprice]

Actually I have a counseling appointment for myself on Monday and I have one for both of us next Tuesday. I am still not sure what is going on between us but I have tried to let the anger pass instead of letting it take control so I don't do something stupid. That is very hard for me to do but as time goes by it makes it a little easier each time, my hope is eventually anger goes away as fast as it comes. My son had his birthday party today and I tried my hardest not to ruin anything even though her family made me feel like an outsider in my own house. Before I always had a tendency to ruin birthdays and holidays but today I just did my best to be a good person instead of letting anger and other things take over.

[thermionic]

...today I just did my best to be a good person instead of letting anger and other things take over.

Good on you. It's hard at first, but when we let some of those inner voices remain inside, it doesn't take us long to realise that the world is a better place without them.

As they say, two wrongs don't make a right and so often we forget that; we blurt out something that might seem like a good idea, or just a defensive move, then it spirals. Just because we didn't 'start' something, doesn't mean we can't be instrumental in its end.

Best of luck.

[mprice]

Well today starting spiralling out of control for whatever reason I have no idea, she wasn't home last night and told me to come pick her up and now i am caught in some lie that I had nothing to do with so..... the good thing is that I kept my anger very minimal and thankfully my kids are not around for all of this. I am seriously starting to think that she isn't in the right state of mind right now but at the same time I don't even know what to do to help her because when I try to I get caught up in these kind of messes. All I did was go get her, come home and make some lunch because she was hungry and gave her something for her stomach because it was bothering her. Then he shows up and accuses me of lying about sending a a text message from her phone sayin that she was in the hospital. So to be honest I'm kind of at arms about this because I am not playing games anymore, I am trying to be an adult about the situation and because I don't want to get caught up in these situations anymore, I am trying to bring peace into my life instead of drama and chaos. I tried getting a hold of two of my friends to see if they wanted to hang out for a little while until this passes for today but I haven't got a hold of them yet, so right now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am so tempted to just go get my own place right now but at the same time I worry about what this is doing to my kids so again I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I grew up in a home that wasn't even remotely picture perfect and look how I ended up. What kind of advice do you guys have for this because right now I think i am out of options. All I want now is for her to get some help right now with the problems she is having and the cancer, so do you guys think I should take the kids and get a place of our own for a little bit until she gets some help? The only problem I run into is that I work third shift so I wouldn't have anybody to watch the kids while I am at work unless I can get them to allow me to move to first shift. Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up and all of this would be over but I know that is not how it works.

[thermionic]

Wish i could help you mate, but you need some on-the-ground help, specific to your situation i think.

Any advice from here may very well be biased and not for the best.

If your wife doesn't want your help, what can you do?

[mprice]

Run around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off, actually that would be mean but ya I have thought about that I do have on co-worker that has a house that has about three empty rooms and it a pretty big house so I could ask her if I could at least move in for a while until things settle down, at least that way I wouldn't be paying a ton of rent or bills. If she says its okay I might just come home in the morning pack my crap up and leave for at least a week, but like i said my only concern is my kids and what they are experience right now with everything going on.

[thermionic]

At the risk of sounding trite, they're going to experience SOMETHING, so it's.... do or die, as they say in hockey.

At the risk of sounding even more crap, there's a story about a... monk?... who is dangling from a tree, or cliff or something like that. He is given a choice of either letting go and falling to his death or... climbing up and... i dunno, getting eating by a mountain lion. Whatever... The point is, there is a consequence for every action, and you probably know more than anyone here what the consequences may be for any action you take. One way or the other, something will be 'done' and something will result as a consequence, so you have to be brave and take the best steps you can, remembering of course, that sometimes the compassionate route doesn't always look compassionate to all at first.

Be brave and do the right thing, whatever that thing might be.